Characters – Jimmy Stewart, 101, a decrepit relic of a nearly forgotten era helplessly inundated by the tides of time.
Forrest Dearth - 28, disillusioned and apathetic, a man for his time.
Act 1, Scene 1
(Interior: Whole Foods. Forrest vociferously gobbles free samples of strawberries. Jimmy Stewart notices and confronts him.)
Jimmy Stewart – Really liking those strawberries are ya’?
(Forrest does not respond.)
Jimmy – You know they’re for sale. Special, $3.99. Why you could have a strawberry smorgasbord!
(Forrest scowls at Jimmy.)
Jimmy - Listen hoss, I think you’ve had enough.
Forrest – Look, I do what I want.
Jimmy - Oh is that right?
Forrest – Yeah. I’m just gonna’ keep eating these strawberries.
Jimmy – (pleading) Listen, sir, I, I know you’re hungry. Sometimes I get so hungry, why, why I could eat a horse! But, you just can’t keep eating the free samples. Those are for all of our customers. Now we encourage you to eat a few, but if you just keep going on like this, well, there isn’t gonna’ be enough for everybody, is there?
Forrest – (brazenly) I don’t care about the other customers. I repeat, I do what I want. You’re not even a blip on the radar for me. I’m going to keep eating these strawberries because they’re available. I enjoy strawberries and I’d rather not have to pay for them.
Jimmy – Have you no sense of decency? You can’t just go through life like this. We live in a society, with laws and strictures of etiquette. Without law, all we have is anarchy. Is that the kind of world you want? Is that the kind of world you want your children to grow up in?
Forrest – (laughing dismissively) I’m not having children. I had a vasectomy. I don’t want to bring any more life onto this miserable pile of dirt. Now either get me some sugar or get the fuck out of here!
Jimmy – Oh, so you want me to scram do ya? Had enough of uncle, have we? Listen, I think your outlook on life is mighty selfish. You’re not gonna’ get very far with these wrong-headed little precepts of yours.
Forrest – (sneering) Ha, you are so naïve, man. Not gonna get very far? Well you haven’t gotten very far as an altruistic simpleton. Look at you. Haven’t you ever read any Ayn Rand? Altruism has led to the downfall of mankind.
Jimmy – Oh, put a cork in it, Ayn Rand is a contrived, vapid little ninny. And you don’t know a goddamned thing about me or my life, mister, not a goddamned thing. I was a fighter pilot in World War II. I got a purple heart for the love of bacon. I’ve also starred in over 35 films spanning from 1935 – 1986.
Forrest – (surprised) Wait, you were in World War II? Shouldn’t you be dead or retired?
Jimmy – (flustered) Don’t you worry about that. I’ve had just about enough! You know what? Fuck you! That’s right, fuck you! I’ve had to deal with people like you my entire life – self-styled nihilists, mad at the world because you never got a hand out, because your Mother didn’t breast-feed ya, or ya didn’t get that shiny red bicycle y’always wanted for Christmas, or your socks are too tight, or you’re just angry at the world because you can’t even find a good reason to be angry! (Breathing heavily) You’re a germ, a herpe, putrid encrusted smegma decaying under the oily fat fold of society! I hate you! I hate you! (Breathing heavily.)
Forrest – (concerned and with strawberries in his mouth) Hey man, are you all right? I’m sorry. I won’t eat any more of the strawberries. Just calm down.
Jimmy – (Trying to pronounce something between exasperated breathes.) Gimme-uh, gimme-uh, gimme-uh…
The End
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